How NOT To De-Stress At Work

With fast-paced lives and news feeds that may at any given time have a higher death toll than an episode or, (heaven forbid) entire season of Game of Thrones, many people I’ve spoken to lately are a bit stressed, to say the least.

With a busy job, and heavy community involvement, not to mention trying to have a social life, I stay pretty busy myself. And I can get pretty stressed out. I’ve found to keep my own sanity, I need to take care of myself.

Like many of you may have done, I’ve googled ways to help deal with stress. And I’ve found a million and one ways to cope with stress, from exercise to sleep to eating your green vegetables. I’ve even found many helpful tips for ways to de-stress at work, like getting up and walking around every so often, or sipping tea while you work.

Since the internet is so full of helpful advice, I won’t repeat any of that here. Instead, I thought it would be more fun to share a creative list of things that definitely won’t help you de-stress (but imagining them might amuse you).

  1. Let out a blood-curdling scream of frustration when you just can’t get that tricky sentence to come out sounding right.
  2. Shout “EVERYBODY SHUT UP” into a megaphone when your workplace starts to get noisy.
  3. Blast music your grandma might be scandalized by, at top volume and scream along to the lyrics while you work. Bonus points if you can turn this into an office-wide singalong.
  4. Take periodic five-minute breaks to jump rope/skip/run around the office like a toddler on cotton candy
  5. Work from home, specifically, your bathtub. Try not to let your laptop fall in.
  6. Organize your desk. And your neighbor’s desk. And your boss’s desk. Don’t worry if you don’t know where to put things? Just make it up as you go.
  7. Too noisy? Build a cone of silence with office supplies!
  8. Organize a desk chair drag race around the office, and bet office supplies. Whoever bets on the winning desk chair jockey wins all the paperclips, that one really nice pen, and good white-out.
  9. Build a wall of pop cans around your desk to keep intruders away.
  10. Create artwork with printer paper and highlighters and hang it up on the break room fridge.
  11. Decorate your cubicle with a million photos that make you feel peaceful.
  12. Set a de-stress alarm on your phone every 15 minutes or so, as a reminder to do something to help you calm down. Make sure it’s loud, so you can hear it over your tunes.
  13. Schedule all your meetings in one day, five minutes apart, so as to get the stress of having all those meetings over with in one day.
  14. Pull the fire alarm.
  15. Get a bunch of quarters on your lunch break, and use them to buy every single Kit Kat bar in your break room vending machine. Hum the Kit-Kat bar theme song while crunching on all of them, loudly.
  16. Dress like your favorite superhero(es) every day.
  17. Comforting surroundings mean less stress. Transform your cubicle into your favorite place, such as The Red Keep, complete with Iron Throne desk chair, a lovely gingerbread house, or the Bat Cave.
  18. Misery loves company. When you’re stressed, bring a sidekick to work. A nice youthful orphaned ward dressed in bright colors might do the trick. Or perhaps a genetically enhanced super-pet who can secretly speak better English than you.
  19. Make friends with that stray cat that shows up in the alley behind your building. Give him food, and water, and make friends with any of his friends that come along, too.
  20. Store cats in your office drawer for easy-to-access feline stress relief. Bonus, the kitties can help organize your files!
  21. Stretch out on your desk and take a nap. Pull a kitten out of your drawer for an extra cozy-nap.
  22. Dance your stress away with an elaborate tap number completed atop your desk.

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